Friends Getting Divorced

     Today, I was approached by a colleague who wanted to speak to me privately. This person is one I respect and admire in many ways and I was glad to offer him my opinion on anything he wanted to know. I was surprised though when he started the conversation, "My wife left me three months ago."

     It is always a shock when someone I feel is intelligent, sane, good and genuinely a nice person, tells me they are getting a divorce or in the process of being separated. My psyche is still stuck thigh deep in the mud of that imaginary world where only dysfunctional people get divorces

      It's also a surprise that they feel I have something to add to the big picture of this situation. I don't see myself as an expert on divorce. I would never want to be. I should be flattered I suppose. My divorce has been largely amicable. We both dislike some of the things the other person does or does not do but we make the day to day situations flow from one to the other with relative ease. I don't know if  that is obvious or maybe just being the divorced guy in the room makes me a resource.

     My advice isn't advice though. I can share my experience. I never give an opinion about money, or visitation, or how to interact with the soon to be ex-spouse. Those are intensely individual situations and the state has set up more guidelines than I ever will. Like I did today, I try to reassure and commiserate. I offer my support. I relate whenever experiences overlap. Truly, I don't know if I do any good at all.

     I have been approached several times in this way. No one has ever come back for more. I don't know if that is because I didn't offer what they needed or if, in an hour of uncertainty, they reached out in a way they normally would not. Maybe these friends are looking for a type of guidance. I'm just not sure.

     Here are a few things I know to be true for me. Some may relate to others too.

• Divorce sucks - Glue two sheets of paper together. The next day pull them apart. Little bits of each sheet rip and tear and refuse to stay a part of the original sheet. Nothing will ever be able to put either sheet back the way it was. Divorce is like that. You tear. You rip. Nothing is ever quite the same.
• The feelings don't fade quickly. - I am still angry at my ex, not as much, not as often but still pissed off. I'm not proud of that. I'm just saying it's hard to let go of a pain that deep.
• Couples with children will likely have a much worse experience than those without. - Unless a partner abandons the family entirely, there is a reason to argue with the person you never want to see again, regularly, for another twenty years.  Every game, play, sleepover is now a debate or you have to be in the stands with persona non grata. 
• Children's expenses are irritating and hard to manage. When one person is making decisions across town without asking for input arguments are going to happen.
• It is very easy to feel like a total failure. - I believe in the institution of marriage. I made a promise to God, man, and my spouse. We f***ked it up. I spent a long time feeling like a loser over that. Some days, I still do.
• We both may be better off. - My spouse wasn't happy with me. We didn't communicate enough. We didn't care enough apparently. So, maybe the opportunity to find the partner we can communicate with and care enough for is a blessing. I have to hope so.
• I have come to know myself more completely. - I know it's hard being single. It's tough being the only parent in the house. I understand, now, how to cope. Life didn't destroy me or end when my marriage ended. Sometimes I had a shitty day, or week, or month. I'm still here. Life is pretty good for the most part. I know my strengths and weaknesses so much better now. I know what I want in a life partner. Those are hard won things that some people never figure out.
• I still believe God has a plan for me. - When I felt like a failure, I was certain the world had given up on me. I was afraid God would too. I'm now pretty sure the world as a whole doesn't give a rats ass and never did. We have to count on the friend and family ties we build to stand in for the world. God won't ever give up on me. He is also pretty close mouthed about what he wants for my life but I get hints every now and then. Like anyone, I need prayer, introspection and communion with something bigger than myself. I have faith the plan will unfold as it should.
• There is a future for me. Hand in hand with God's plan is the existence of a partner who is right for me and me for her. I still believe in marriage. I still hate divorce. I am positive and optimistic that I have found that partner and, this time, we'll get it right.